Colin and I live a quarter mile either side of our local pub, a few minutes walk which is most convenient. Today we are arriving at the same time and I see him lumbering along towards me. He sees me and appears to lumber lower, like his whole body is glowering in my direction. Now what? I wait for him at the door of the pub.
‘I’m right in the dog house and so are you!’ he puffs as he grinds to a halt in front of me. He could lose some weight.
‘Why? With who?’ The answer to my second question I already know. I always seem to be in some sort of trouble with Colin’s wife.
‘Martha has done some research and says indoor air quality is three times worse in homes with stoves!’ he says, glaring at me.
I know immediately the article she’s seen. The record needs to be set straight. ‘Come in and sit down Colin,’ I say in my best bedside manner, ‘and let me sort fact from fiction for you.’
I pick up the two pints waiting on the bar in passing (great Landlord, our Ken) and we sit.
‘You’re familiar with the expression lies, damn lies and statistics?’ I ask.
‘Yes of course.’ He prickles slightly as if I have insulted his intelligence.
‘Martha is referring to a flawed article released a few years back. It claimed that wood burning stoves increased particulate contamination in the home. Turns out the sensors placed near the stove were actually measuring air being drawn from the kitchen when it was lit! The particulates were caused by cooking, toasting bread etc. When the stove was out the reading dropped, obviously. Thus the false conclusion.’
‘Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.’
Quite possibly, I think to myself. ‘There seem to be a lot of myths out there concerning wood stoves,’ I say, ‘D’you wanna hear more?’
‘Might as well, Martha’s still busy researching. She’s got a right lather on.’
‘Tell her to stop and come talk to me. Much quicker and far more accurate.’ Sometimes I can be a bit of a show-off I suppose. Nobody’s perfect.
‘OK,’ I continue, ‘there’s another article that suggests air quality in London is worse in winter due to stoves and open fires. Myth. I can show you measurements taken across the city in 2021 which clearly show that the level of particulates is the same in July as December. April and September were worse than any of the winter months!’
‘So why do these rumours start?’
‘Your guess is as good as mine Colin.’ Well maybe not. ‘Is there an agenda to keep us burning fossil oil and gas, or perhaps push us to buy solar panels? Or it it simply propaganda from clear-thinking radicals like Just Stop Oil? Government ignorance? I don’t know and I wouldn’t venture an opinion.’
‘It’s probably Putin. Or China!’ blurts Colin, already riled up by his own conclusion. I sigh quietly. You should know both Colin and Martha are afflicted with that peculiar 21st Century malaise that confuses opinions with facts. If they think it, it must be true.
‘OK, whatever. Moving on, harvesting firewood damages forest. True or false?’
‘Uhh..True?’ he says tentatively, looking at me like a little boy. At forty one I am nearly six years older than Colin. Me being an only child, sometimes he is like the baby brother I wish I never had.
‘’Sakes Colin! It’s another myth! Firewood comes from forest management and thinning of deciduous areas which is essential for the health of the ecosystem. Not like pine forests, rain forests and teak forests which are levelled to produce cardboard, garden furniture and cheap hamburgers.’
‘Ah, right. Yes.’
‘If forests are grown commercially for firewood, then believing those forests will still be planted if we don’t have stoves is not joined-up thinking, yet it’s another flawed argument I’ve heard.’ I pause to collect my thoughts. ‘Right, I’m gonna bust one more myth for you then I want to sit and enjoy my pint if you don’t mind.’
‘Fire away…….you see what I did there?’ just realising himself what he accidentally did and trying to make out it was on purpose.
Ignoring him I say, ‘Burning wood produces more CO2 than gas or oil. Fact or fiction? Want to take a stab at that one Einstein?’
‘I’m thinking false.’
‘You’re starting to get the hang of this aren’t you? Yes it’s false. Going from memory, heating a house for a year with coal produces something over 7,000kg of CO2, Oil is over 5,000kg, gas over 4,000kg and a wood boiler just 300kg. Tell Martha to stop believing every thing she reads on the internet will you? She’s doing my head in. Cheers.’