I’m sitting in pleasant solitude in a corner of the lounge bar enjoying my pint, when in walks Colin. Colin is both my best friend and my Nemesis. Today it appears he is going to be the latter. He spots me and immediately comes over.
‘Hey Ralphie! How’s it going?’ Without waiting for an answer, he dives straight in. ‘You’re always a minefield of information, I want to pick your brains on something.’
Ralphie. He knows I dislike that nickname which is longer than my actual name, thus pointless to my way of thinking. And I’m not going to correct him on his hilariously misquoted idiom as I have a suspicion he might have done it on purpose.
‘Hi Colin,’ I carefully put my empty glass on the table. ‘You’ve finished all those chores then?’
‘What chores?’
‘That’s very noble of you, ‘pint of best please.’ Can’t believe he fell for that old line. He stomps to the bar and returns with my winnings.
He sits down heavily spilling both drinks. ‘So look,’ he says, ‘I’m thinking about my new stove and I have a question for you. What’s the point of sweeping the chimney?’
‘That’s a good question. And there’s a very good reason. Over time, soot gets deposited on the chimney walls. It will build up over the winter when the stove gets used more, so you should have the chimney cleaned at least once a year, in the autumn before the cold weather sets in again.’
‘Is that strictly necessary though? How dangerous is it really?’
‘Well according to the National Association of Chimney Sweeps, every year there are around 7,000 chimney fires in England alone. Creosote is highly inflammable, but if you always use dry wood you won’t suffer from creosote deposits, though the soot will still need removing. Also by doing this the soot will not be released into the air, thus also looking after the environment.’
‘Hmm. I imagine the damage done by the water in putting out a chimney fire would be pretty bad. But is it expensive to have it swept?’ That’s his angle, of course it is.
‘You really should use a sweep who is a member of NACS or The Guild of Master Chimney Sweeps or APICS,’ I reply, ‘I wouldn’t call it expensive. How much was your last car service?’
‘Don’t get me started…’ he groans.
‘When the next major storm arrives, what’s going to be more useful, your car or your stove?’
Our pub conversations cover a huge range of topics, extreme weather was last week.
‘Point taken.’
‘And when your sweep has done and inspected the system,’ I continue, ‘he’ll provide you with a report of his findings and any recommendations for repairs or maintenance.’
‘Do I have to do anything though?’ He looks worried. With Colin it’s always about him. He’s fine actually, just a little self-absorbed.
‘Not really. Remove any items near the fireplace and cover nearby furniture to protect from dust. But these guys know what they’re doing and they don’t make a mess. They have specialised brushes, tools and vacuums.’
‘So how long will it take? And you still haven’t told me what it will cost.’
‘Normally I’d say 30 – 40 minutes to an hour. Maybe a bit more for a bigger system, but yours is quite straightforward. I guess around eighty quid would cover it.’
‘Plus VAT?’
‘Including VAT.’
He finally relaxes back in his seat, smiles and picks up his beer. ‘Well thanks, that answers my question perfectly. Like I said, you’re a mine of information Ralph. Cheers!’
I knew it.
Ralph Jeffries